


don't read this please

by irltooru



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Crack, Cult, Emotional Manipulation, Other, Trauma, cabbage, it's not serious, kageyama is in a cult, kageyama is triggered by owls, lots of vegetables, this is absolute trash
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-08
Updated: 2016-04-08
Packaged: 2018-05-31 22:38:09
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,972
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6490084
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/irltooru/pseuds/irltooru
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>don't read this if you don't have a sense of humor or if you can't appreciate my ART because yes, this is art. totally.<br/>nah I'm just lying to you, this fic is 100% nonsense but please read it if you haven't eaten your veggies today!~</p>
            </blockquote>





	don't read this please

**Author's Note:**

> im so sorry why did i even write this

Once upon a time, there was a YoungFreshCabbage™ farmer named Kageyama Tobio. He lived in a small jar with his family. Every morning when he woke up, he would peer out through the foggy glass of his jar and gaze across the acres and acres of YoungFreshCabbage™, glare at the sunrise (for he hated beauty), and speculate about the events of the day. Afterwards, after he had attended to all of his morning business (involving lots of YoungFreshCabbageSoap™), he would go out with his parents into the vast fields of YoungFreshCabbage™ and start the harvest. Of course, this story is set during the ideal harvest season. Then, he would go home to his wonderful jar for a quick lunch (of a YoungFreshCabbage™ sandwich). Afterwards, he was able to have a few hours to himself to roam free amongst the neat rows of YoungFreshCabbage™, basking in the afternoon’s golden rays. He would then return to his jar for supper (a hearty meal of steaming YoungFreshCabbageSoup™, YoungFreshCabbageVeggieBurgers™, and YoungFreshCabbageMilkshake™). After supper, his mother would read to him from the “YoungFreshCabbage™ Farmer’s Guide to YoungFreshCabbage™ CULTivation”. This was done in order for young Tobio to develop better YoungFreshCabbage™ farming techniques, so he could continue his family’s brilliant legacy of being YoungFreshCabbage™ farmers. His mother would read a chapter of the 60,000 page manual to him, and he found that it was easy to fall into a deep sleep afterwards, a sleep filled with dreams of YoungFreshCabbage™. He would wake up the next morning to do it all over again. This was his daily routine, and he lived a good life.

_At least that was what he thought._

One morning, on the last day of the ideal YoungFreshCabbage™ harvest season, Kageyama woke up and something felt different. It felt like something big was coming, something life-changing. Like every other day, he woke up, showered with YoungFreshCabbageSoap™, and went downstairs for breakfast (yummy, YoungFreshCabbageWaffles™!). Grabbing his floral-patterned wheelbarrow (which was also embellished with plastic rhinestones his parents had gotten him for NationalYoungFreshCabbageDay™ last year, he headed out into the patch. He hadn’t even been out there for more than forty minutes when he heard someone screaming in the distance. His ears rang, for the disturbance of the usual silence seemed abrasive to him. A few seconds later, an answering yell echoed the first, but it was a different voice. Kageyama immediately dropped the handles of his wheelbarrow, letting the cart fall into the rich, fertile YoungFreshCabbageSoil™ and jogged towards the source of the voices. He knew he shouldn’t be leaving the patch he was assigned to, but his curiosity got the better of him. As he came closer to the shouting, he found that he could discern some of the words. Tobio assumed it was basically some sort of competition, or “shout-off”, for lack of a better term. The two people shouting at each other were both male, and they seemed to be echoing each other with one phrase: “oya oya?” What a curious word to be yelling at each other. Kageyama had never heard such a phrase before. It was unfamiliar to his YoungFreshCabbage™-filled brain. Picking up the pace, his jog turned into a light run, and he almost tripped over his feet in his haste to reach the two figures that stood in the distance. The two men were about ten metres apart. One had black hair that was curiously tousled, like he’d just rolled out of bed and he hadn’t bothered to even try to arrange it into something decent-looking. Kageyama silently thanked the UltimateYoungFreshCabbage™ that he took the effort every morning to comb out his straight black hair, arranging it neatly over his forehead and locking it into place with some YoungFreshCabbageHairspray™, only for $7.99 at your local drugstore. Buy one for the price of two, and get a second one free! The messy-haired man wore mustard-yellow shorts (which came up to mid-thigh) with a white, black, and green plaid shirt. On his feet were a pair of bedazzled pink and purple crocs, boasting an image of Anna and Elsa from the Frozen movie; Kageyama recognized the picture from an advertisement on his YoungFreshCabbageCereal™ box.

The other man looked even more intriguing. His hair was equally as atrocious, if not even more. It was white with black streaks running through it, and it was spiked up in the most peculiar way. It reminded Tobio of an owl, which he had an unfortunate encounter with in a nearby field a few months ago. He’d gone home crying and snivelling, and his parents had to seat him in a room with YoungFreshCabbageIncense™ burning to calm him down. Just looking at the owl-man made Tobio shiver with apprehension as the memories of his traumatic experience resurfaced. The owl-man wore an off-white ruffled tank top, which was stained with various substances Tobio did not want to know the origins of. The tank top seemed to be designed for females, for it fit _too_ snugly around the owl-man’s well-muscled torso and seemed extremely out of place on such a broad body. He also wore a rainbow tie-dye maxi skirt, the hem blemished and discoloured from dragging on the rich, fertile YoungFreshCabbageSoil™.

The two stopped shouting when they saw Kageyama staring, his blue eyes widened with both shock and wonder.

“Ohohohoho?” The black-haired man peered at Kageyama. “What do we have here?”

“It seems to be one of _them_ ,” the owl-man replied. Now that he was closer, he could see that the owl-man had large bushy eyebrows that made his appearance even _more_ owl-like, if that was possible. Kageyama couldn’t stop himself from flinching as he met the owl-man’s intense golden gaze.

The black-haired man gasped. “No way! I never thought I’d get to live to see the day where we meet an actual YoungFreshCabbage™ farmer! What’s your name?” Grinning broadly, he stuck his hand out at Kageyama. Tobio looked at the hand, puzzled.

“It’s a handshake. You’re supposed to shake his hand!” The owl-man hooted, sending chills down Kageyama’s spine.

 _A handshake?_ Kageyama thought. The closest thing to a handshake that he knew about was the traditional YoungFreshCabbageSalutation™, which required extreme flexibility and incredible pinky finger strength. In order not to disappoint this black-haired man, Tobio assumed that he was waiting to start the YoungFreshCabbageSalutation™ (for that was the only “handshake” he knew). He stepped back and raised both arms above his head in the opening position for the salutation, spreading his legs as wide as they could go until he was flush against the ground in a full split. He looked at the black-haired man, expecting him to reciprocate the action, like he was used to. Instead, the man stared back at Tobio quizzically, and then burst into loud guffaws. The owl-man joined him after a second, and they laugh for a few minutes, clutching their stomachs. Tobio remained in his position, arms trembling slightly with the effort of being raised over his head for so long. He didn’t dare get up, for it is an insult upon fellow YoungFreshCabbage™ farmers. So he waited patiently for the pair to stop laughing and for the black-haired man to perform his part of the salutation’s opening stance. But he never does, and Tobio was surprised when the black-haired man told him that he could stand up again. Reluctantly, he complied.

“So, YoungFreshCabbage™ farmer. You didn’t answer my question. What’s your name?”

Tobio inclined his head in a shallow bow, before snapping upright so abruptly that his hair bounced on his forehead. “I am Kageyama Tobio.” He ended his sentence with a hand gesture involving the third finger from the thumb extended towards the person he was introducing himself to.

“Dude, did he just flip you off?” The owl-man gasped, giggling.

Tobio did not understand. Why did the black-haired man look so offended? It was customary to extend one’s _digitus me’dius_ after introducing yourself. That was what Tobio’s parents had taught him from a young age.

“It probably means something different to him,” the black-haired man shrugged. “Whatever. I’m Kuroo.”

“Oya oya,” the owl-man cackled. “I’m Bokuto.”

 _They weren’t YoungFreshCabbage™ farmers,_ Tobio realized. When he was a small child, he was required to learn and memorize a list of all the living YoungFreshCabbage™ farmers in his time. Kuroo and Bokuto were not on the list. Upon this revelation, he immediately shrank back in fear. His parents had always warned him about strangers, telling him that he should never interact with those outside of the YoungFreshCabbage™ farming community. He had always been taught to shun those who were not YoungFreshCabbage™ farmers, or otherwise associated with. Were all of them that scary-looking? His instincts screamed at him to _run,_ to book it out of there as fast as he could, and go back to his safe jar home. But he didn’t. He stood there and stared at the two men with curiosity open on his face.

Bokuto cleared his throat. “So, uh, Kageyama.” He moved a little closer so he could see the YoungFreshCabbage™ better. What was not expected was the intense reaction he got from Kageyama. The boy screeched and scampered back a few meters, fearful eyes trained on Bokuto’s face. He seemed to be stammering “owl” under his breath repetitively.

“Bokuto, stop talking.” Kuroo pushed Bokuto back, gingerly approaching Kageyama. He was relieved when there was no reaction. “Kageyama, was the YoungFreshCabbage™ harvest plentiful this season?”

Kageyama’s eyes widened in surprise. He hadn’t expected these strangers to ask him about his life. He slowly nodded. “Yes, we have harvested many heads. We have also come up with several revolutionary products. We have recently released YoungFreshCabbageDeodorant™, which keeps you smelling wonderfully of YoungFreshCabbage™.”

Kuroo raised his eyebrows, impressed. “That’s wonderful, Kageyama! You YoungFreshCabbage™ farmers have certainly changed the world for the better. I wish I could be a part of this innovative experience!”

Kageyama beamed at the praise. “Thank you very much, Kuroo. But unfortunately, I am afraid that you cannot join us.”

“Why not?” Kuroo asked.

“For we are an exclusive group, and any new members would have been raised to be a YoungFreshCabbage™ farmer from birth.”

“So there’s no way to get in?”

“I am afraid not.”

“Not even if I did this?” Kuroo leaned and whispered something into Kageyama’s ear. Kageyama gasped in shock and took a step back, nodding fervently.

“Kuroo! What did you-“

“Be quiet, owl-man.” Kageyama raised a hand, effectively silencing Bokuto. “Kuroo is one of us now.”

“Ohohoho?” Kuroo smirked at Bokuto, wiggling his eyebrows. “What did I tell you?”

Kageyama smiled, offering his hand to Kuroo. “We must depart right away, so that your initiation ceremony can begin as soon as possible.”

Kuroo took his hand and they skipped off into the distance, forms vanishing amongst the rows of cabbage. Bokuto was left standing there, alone. A slight breeze picked up and his maxi skirt fluttered around his ankles. Bokuto gazed into the distance, a single tear rolling down his face.

“Goodbye…bro.”

─

When Bokuto made it home, he had to explain Kuroo’s absence to Akaashi.

“So he just _left_ and joined the YoungFreshCabbage™ farmers?” Akaashi gasped.

“Yeah. He’d always wanted to. I remember him talking about how he thinks he identifies as a YoungFreshCabbage™ farmer.”

“But how did he get in? I thought they were exclusive!”

“He said… the thing.” Bokuto’s voice lowered to a whisper.

“No way,” Akaashi said incredulously. “There’s no way that it could have worked.”

“Ohohoho, but it did!” Bokuto laughed loudly, throwing his head back. “And he said the worst one yet!”

“Which one?”

“It might have been…” Bokuto paused, thinking for a bit. “Oh, _that one._ Hey, Akaashi. How does a farmer mend his pants?”

“I don’t know,” Akaashi said slowly, carefully. “How _does_ a farmer mend his pants?”

_“With (YoungFresh)Cabbage(™) patches.”_

 

**Author's Note:**

> in case you didn't get it, Kuroo had whispered that pun into Kageyama's ear, and that was what made Kageyama admit Kuroo to the fam. He literally won him over with a pun ahahah kill me


End file.
